The Sixth Letter.

 

 

Jump out of the window if you are the object of passion.

Flee it if you feel it.

Passion goes, boredom remains.

 

Coco Chanel

 

 

**1

 

Today is a very hot, unbearably hot and absolutely endless day. I have not been to the park for ages, but I could not make myself go down into the subway. My job at the library ends early enough, and the decision to walk - such a simple, but quite unexpected decision in my life - a decision to taste this sunny day better, brought me here. I just wanted it more than anything else.

Anything else, in fact, still not so much. Small apartment in central London. Music and books. And at work - music and books. Actually, that's my entire life. Music and books.

I was on the sun-drenched alley - at this hour the shadows do not save people oppressed by heat, instead they themselves hide in the thick grass at the foot of the ancient trees. I wanted to sit down, but the only bench in the shadow was occupied.

You're sitting there. And I - I'm sitting just opposite and writing. To you.

It is very easy to write, knowing that no one will ever read this. You can write all possible stuff. Nonsenses. You can make mistakes and don’t have to look up for words. You can just write whatever comes to mind, whatever you want. And I do – I’m writing what I am really desperate to say now: I Love You.


No, we’ve never met before. Today is the first time I ever saw you - here on this bench in the shade of the jasmine tree, so magically perfumed. I wonder if you know how is it? When you go through life, and suddenly something happens - like a fire breaks out in the dark and you just cannot resist those waves of feelings, unknown before ...

Pompous style, is it not? Perhaps I’ve read too many books in my life. Or maybe there were so many of them, that those feelings are just my imagination? Well, because it hurts to come back every day to a dark empty apartment. Where no one is waiting for you. No one will ask how was your day, and take shoes off your tired feet to put on some fluffy cozy slippers. Yes, and in fact there are no slippers. Here I go again – what a rubbish is coming into my head!

I'm just a little bit scared for no reason. That’s for the first time I’ve ever seen you and now it feels like we know each other for years, and I know everything about you and… and I love you. And if you get up and leave now I’m just going to die because my heart wouldn’t be able to manage this pain ...

But you are reading. You do not take your eyes away from the book. I wonder what you are reading? I'd like to know. I'd like to read the same – so that at least through the book you and I could be together now...

It is amazing how it happens. I’ve just seen you for the first time - and now there is no one in the whole world whom I need, love, desire more than you. Sunstroke?  Would not be surprised. But it feels so real as if I’ve ironed that shirt for you this morning, it was me you told that it’s going to be incredibly hot in this costume... I was tying your tie, kissing you goodbye at the door. I think my fingers remember the roughness of the fabric of your jacket...

You’ve left? When? While I’ve being writing... Of course. Were you there at all? Or did the hot sun play a joke on me? You are gone, taking your book with you and leaving me with a wonderful feeling of gain and loss. It hurts so much... but I want to say: thank you.

 

**2

 

What an incredible happiness to see you again! Silly, funny, surprising, but I can’t think about anything at all, except seeing you! I couldn’t hear people around me today, I could not eat, I couldn’t sleep, I just listened and listened to the music... and saw you. In all the people around, I only could see you. I just could not wait until the heavy hand of vintage clocks would habitually lie on a Roman numeral, denoting the end of the working day.

And here I am. And even the bench I was sitting on yesterday is free ... And you... you are sitting back in a shade under jasmine, and reading. Not noticing life around you. Perhaps the book is really interesting and exciting - and you are immersed in it, not noticing anything around, just as I sank into you, not noticing anything ... even myself. Yesterday I wrote a letter on the back of a receipt. Today I brought some writing paper. I would like to meet you – it is so important to talk to you! But I do not know what to say. That I am so lonely? That I do not understand why do I live? What I am living for? Although not true! Now I know. For the sake of you. For these meetings here in the stifling summer park. Don’t suppose you even know about it.

Interestingly, what do you live for? For your beloved wife and charming curly blonde-haired daughter? I think you have to have a girl. And the thin delicate wife. Long blonde hair. She rises on her toes in the morning, kissing you good-bye before you leave the house, and gently strokes your temple before turning off the bedside lamp ...

Or work? Endless researches, or talks, or lectures, signing papers, trips ... Maybe now you are on a business trip? And this is the reason you have time to sit like this, in the middle day in the park and read? No, you do not live for work.

You have a very unusual face! You turned around – mother with twins just sat on my bench, kids faces all in an ice cream, and you turned, attracted by an unexpected buzz. Smile. Children do not irritate you. Even somebody else’s children. Even grimy. Even distracting you from your own work ... I love you even more now. Your eyes, a bit sad, or just getting tired from so much reading. Your charming smile.

Children are languishing in the heat, and you gestured to offer their mum your place. Oh no, no, no! Stay!

I’m watching you walking away… Yesterday I was so sad when I missed you leaving…. And now I understand that was a blessing. It hurts so much ... I love you. Goodbye ...

 

**3

 

It's just unbelievable how deeply did you captivated me! I could not think about anything else. All is burning inside of me and I count the seconds until I would be able to see you again! Colleagues don’t recognise me. I missed my lunch, and instead ran to the nearest store and bought skin creams and all sorts of women things. I was never interested in that rubbish, but your face made me look at myself in the mirror... I have never being interested in what I can see. And now it is so important for me to look nice. God, you do not even suspect that I exist - staring at you book ... And I ... I'm going crazy and getting up an hour earlier to make sure my hair is perfect and ...

Look, what a silly things I write! Here, sitting next to you. I was just hiding in the accustomed thoughts, because I cannot understand the fire which burns out my soul, which I have never experienced before.

Soul ... I’ve got it! It does not matter what happens in this life to our bodies! Our souls have a life of their own - and perhaps, they find each other much earlier and they know better who our missing bit is? They say that marriages are made in heaven. Our souls find each other, and then fate brings together our bodies ...

Your shirt is always so impeccably ironed ... Tie is the colour of the suit ... The one you live with, takes very good care of you. It does not matter if it is your wife or girlfriend - there is no place for me there... But even this tiny space next to you - that alone gives me hope and meaning to my life! We are so close... I do not believe you can just go away. Well, that is that simple! Since fate has brought us together – isn’t it for a reason? It can’t be just a coincidence…

Or did I make it all up?

You are looking around so often today... Waiting for somebody? Do not go away, please, I beg you – just do not go away! Just stay here for another moment...

Why, oh why don’t you walk up to me now? "Sorry, may I take a seat? Bored? I’ve seen you in the park... You know... I have so much to tell you... Do you have a minute? I'm so happy to meet you..."
Why can’t I do it myself? Probably until I’m making it all up - even knowing that nothing will happen, just playing with the dreams already makes me happy! But your puzzled look ... Cold politeness or engagement ring on your finger... It's too much. I would prefer at least something for myself – at least my fantasies and dreams.

**4

 

Today I was a bit early. Did I catch your quick glance at me, and even perhaps a smile? God, today is such a magical day!

You may not believe it, but today I’ve noticed it’s already summer. I can see the sky - a piercing blue and the foliage - a contrast-green... Like I’ve never seeing it before!

I'm smiling, looking at you and I want to cry. Just because it is such a sharp happiness – cannot even understand if it is pain or delight! You - here you are so close. All those hours since yesterday evening ‘til now – like traces of raindrops, I do not remember them. I cannot think of anything else except of your lips softly touching mine... I can feel you holding me tight... I can even see us walking along the alley holding hands... Our conversation is awkward at first. We do not know each other, and we are trying to select the topic carefully... They flash brightly at first, like a match, but quickly burn out and silently curl like a wisp of smoke, until someone lights up the next one to illuminate our souls, just as quickly to fade….

Today I have to leave earlier – even earlier than you... I could not cancel that meeting! I'll be late, indecently late, but I couldn’t cancel it. I still can’t quite get it - how would I - get up and walk away when you're still sitting there, breathing in the sweet scent of jasmine, with a book in your hands... Each moment close to you is an eternity - and how is it possible to cut off eternity from your life?

It feels so incredible that closeness and that infinite abyss, separates us…

I have to go... a few more moments. And another handful... A handful of moments... I cannot cry, what if suddenly attracted by my movement you’ll raise your eyes and see my tears?
So what? Would you decide I'm not pretty enough? And why do I think I'm pretty at all? Well, why do I think you could like me? But... And I do not. And I sit here on the bench... Struggling... What? Deceiving myself?

I need to go ... I'm kissing the corner of your smile. I love. I love. I love ...

 

**5

 

Today you do not look like yourself. All the time you are looking around... Don’t like a book? But no – checking your watches. Meeting somebody? Do you have an appointment, and just killing your time, waiting? So, today, you will be gone early? What a pity! However, even a few minutes next to you is a blessing! What a pity that we cannot spend these few minutes together... I mean… I do mean together... Inspired by discussion, sometimes accidentally touching sleeves ... and looking in the eyes... just from time to time looking into each other’s eyes!

What shall we be talking about? About us. The fact that we are here, together, side by side – that we can walk up towards each other, touching hands and speak...  I can’t believe it! And a few minutes later, you will stand up and walk away, and I will remain in the park alone, and we are... And we could never see each other again! Never. What a terrible word. Trite, isn’t it?

Have you ever noticed, all those deep feelings - they are all ridiculously banal. Because only the external decorations are fickle, and somewhere underneath all those piles of colourful masks – there is something very true, there is only a single thing - love. And there is no other word! See how many words there are for wrappers? - passion, knowledge, affection, relationship, flirting, seduction, temptation ... But if you get to the point - there is only one word - love... Blind as a dead end, and fathomless as an ocean! So simple, familiar and banal. But the only right thing. The only thing worth living for.

You say that the autumn of life is not made for love... I do not agree with you. Autumn  love - it is  like an expensive vintage wine. It combines all the goodness, everything - the joy of meeting, and the expectations, anticipation of separation and hopes for the future, all - happiness, laughter, tears, pain – everything is in this magical glass! Only maturity can whelp this bouquet, enjoy it to the last drop and bless aftertaste... Only in autumn, when we do not waste our feelings into smoke, when we can recognise the real miracles - from the bustle of meaningless victories - if only...

Once again, a quick glance at your watch. Are you bored? You’re leaving. Well, I am grateful for this conversation and wishing you a very nice rest of the day ...

Yes... I hope to see you tomorrow, my friend. I love .....................

 

**6

 

Good evening, beautiful stranger!

I do not know whether you find this book on my favourite bench and read my letter, but even if you read – we’ll never see each other again and I'm not risking anything by opening my heart to you now... But I have to say, I can’t keep it inside any more, it is just burning out my soul! Oh, I wouldn’t oblige You! I understand - a woman like you cannot be free. Surely you have a wonderful husband and a couple of charming children. It is even possible he's away - and you’re writing to him every day, sitting on a bench across the street. Oh, my God, I think I could easily give my life for those letters to be meant to me! I wish more than anything for your thoughtful look to be addressed to me - so mysterious, full of sadness and some quite shrill happiness... I suddenly realised that I’m coming to this park now only to be able to see you again... It is strange - it hurts and revives! Absolutely unbearable to see you that close - just a few steps away - and dare not to walk up to you, fearing not to be able to find a place in your surely filled and happy life...

I have long tried to conquer this city, but it is stronger than me. I give up. I am leaving - leaving it forever. But instead of resentment and frustration I'm taking with me your image. Interesting - I do not know who you are. We will never meet again, but the word London will always recall in my mind your walk, your hands on the white sheet, your thoughtful look...

Why am I writing all this? To say how grateful I am. For that you’ve filled my heart with love and hope, which I'm taking with me. For a look that will always shine for me through the very dead of darkness. For happiness to be here - if only with the tip of my finger – to touch the magical world of your soul ...

Thank you. And I think - I love you... Goodbye.